I Miss College Already

Yesterday I graduated from Smith College, and now I am lying in my childhood bed, feeling as though my life has come to a stop.

For the first time since forever, I am not on a dictated path, acknowledged by others as one that is leading to progress and success.

For the first time since forever, I am no longer an official "Student." There are no more milestones to knock off on the beaten track, no more natural progressions from First Grade to Second, from Middle School to High School, and so forth. For the time being, there will be no more classrooms, no more term papers, no more syllabi. Now, whatever learning I do will have to be self-driven. I will have to forge the path myself. Now there is no one to tell me what books I should read, no one to validate that what I am doing is significant.

No one but myself.

I can't wait around any longer -- the little girl who dreamed about beating everyone else and proving herself and becoming known in some way is begging me to "get on it." But she set some pretty hefty goals:

1. Be famous.
2. Do something important.
3. Do something "cool."
4. (Hardest part) Love what you do.
5. Be happy and fall in love. And be loved.

What if I settle on something that blocks off what I'm really meant to be doing? Am I supposed to get a Masters in Political Science? Or be a Journalist? Am I supposed to be Ann M. Martin or Hillary Clinton?

Do I need to make a plan? Or do I just take it a day at a time?

Either way, I can no longer go back to Smith. I packed up my paraphernalia, wiped down my desk with Lemon Pledge, turned in my keys, had a last sushi platter with Lakshami, and drove back to New Hampshire.

Tomorrow, I leave for Cape Cod, where I will be a part-time public radio reporter and part-time bookstore gal.

Things will fall into place, right?